If I look back more than fifteen years ago,
I never thought I could end up as I am today.
I was very young, dan mendadak harus bertanggung jawab atas kehamilan yang saya akui, tidak direncanakan. Imagine all the fears you can feel in life, happened all at once. It was my hell-hole. Saya rasa sistem batin saya sudah otomatis membiasakan diri saya untuk tidak lagi melihat ke bagian yang itu, karena saya seperti di brainwashed, lupa semua detail kejadiannya, up until now. But I have to make peace with my past, eventually. So I better start today by sharing this.
I messed up, like BIG time. I ruined my life, I ruined my family, and I even ruined the best thing ever happened in my life – my son. Semua karena saya takut kehilangan sesuatu yang sebetulnya pada saat itu- I already lost it. Especially, my pride. I have wasted everything hanya karena saya tidak tahu betul nilai saya yang sesungguhnya di mata Tuhan, that I am precious. THAT LIFE IS PRECIOUS. That I have everything I need to survived, THAT I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I can not fully describe the chaos. Kekerasan batin, fisik, please – you name it. Cuma nyawa saya aja yang mungkin kelupaan diambil (joking). But one thing I learned, apapun yang terjadi di dalam hidup kita,LIFE-GOES-ON.
Life doesn’t wait for you to be ready. Never!!!
But thank God, saya diberkati dengan manusia-manusia luar biasa disekitar saya. My family who always supported me when I was –literally- abandoned, my son. Those 20th-century vampires who have always been so persistent in trying to suck my blood. My friends who always stand by my ups and down, khususnya di masa-masa depresi saya, using drugs, “playing around” with the frogs hoping that I will meet my prince charming (Doh..), many times trying to end my life, because it’s too painful trying to forgive those people… most of all, hardest to forgive myself.
I became a very negative person. I know for sure, kalau saya bisa melihat diri saya sendiri pada saat itu, I would’ve hated myself very much, and I totally understand why some people do. I was 21 yrs old when I left my husband. It was not my plan since I never had any plan for my life back then- but I thank God I did. My boy was 1 year old. Years after, I still abandoned my son. I’m so busy with my own life, searching for stupid things outside myself to be happy. But I came out empty.
God saved me (again) that I got a wake-up call. I decided to go back to school and promised myself this: I WILL WIN MY LIFE BACK. So I learned… one step at a time… to study again… to get to know my family again (since I’m the rebellious ugly duckling in the family, so yes, I really tried)… to cut off all the bad social networks… to learn new good habits… to start thinking like normal adults… trying really hard to fight myself and prove everyone that I CAN do things they thought I never could.
I finished my master’s in one of the best universities in Indonesia (While I was a dropped-out student in high school for drugs, so this is really really a Big Leap for me). Was trying really hard to be good, but yes, you just can’t change haters. This bad judgment from people was healed by many years of trying. Some people still judge me as the old version of me. BUT I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. You cannot impress everyone (and you should NOT).
Everything gets better every time I decided to love my life as it is. Everything gets better when I learned to accept my flaws. Everything gets better when I decided to Let Go and Let God do the hardest fight. Everything gets better and I Love better when I learned that Happiness starts within us. And along the milky way, I realized that it is my Son who saves me. He leads me closer to God. Lesson: we tend to think that we are God’s given angel to save a child. I believe it’s the other way around 😉
The fight has never been easy, yes of course. The loneliness, the desperation of looking for love, and the divorcee’s bad image from close-minded people, I took as a lesson to tolerate people more. My dad once said, “you don’t have to agree, no need to like everything, but you – can – always – tolerate “.
Broken heart happens to everyone. Even Beautiful people got betrayed, and smart people got fooled. We just need to get over it. Lesson: you are good enough, s**t happens to everyone.
Up until now, saya masih suka bermimpi bertemu dengan anak saya versi kecil. He was so happy to see me and ran to me, hug me and say “mamaaaaa”. I cried very hard until it hurts, every time I woke up from it. I forgot to forgive myself for losing his childhood. And that, my dear, I cannot get it back. Lesson: Focusing on NOW is the best way to fix the past.
And FYI, the ex husband, mengalami kecelakaan parah yang menyebabkan dia kehilangan ingatan. Pernah sekali menghubungi saya, dan minta untuk ketemu, while I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even remember us. Saya yakin sekali ada pihak-pihak yang support dibelakang layar (cerita mertua jahat seperti di sinetron? it’s for Real). So whats the point of meeting? Besides, in my case, co-parenting is NO LONGER useful. So, I guess, in some cases, we just need to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, I been trained to forgive. All the ladies who were dating him while we were still married, have become my good friends. So its not that I hate him. But sometimes, we just need to close some doors – cut the rope, and MOVE ON.
Oh well,15 years have passed. Feels so much better here;)
I have a special boy who loves me very much. And my family .. amazing. I could never ask for the better one. I have a good job, even-though for I have to live separately with my son, but I believe God knows His plan for me. Maybe I’m not in the best place, for now, maybe I haven’t reached my dream, yet, but if I looked back again to those days, I Thank god I am not where and what I was before!!
And hey, a kind reminder: SINGLE PARENTS ARE NOT A CRIME/DISEASE/CURSE (OH Please, get real!). I think Life is TOUGH enough without supporting our stupid thoughts to go against us.
We are humans with different boxes and different stories. AND DIFFERENT COLORS ARE GOOD FOR THIS GREY WORLD!
In the end,
I still cry… I still fear… A LOT. I still got lost sooo many times… I’m still human.. but I learned my God I learn, to Keep Moving Forward. I will never let myself be the victim again.
Let’s learn to Stop playing the victim, and start to play as the WINNER.
Happiness starts with a decision to be BRAVE.
The LIGHT Will overcome the darkness. Find the Light. Be The Light. Fight the Good Fight.
WIN YOUR LIFE BACK!
Stay strong. You inspire us.
God bless. – HS
Contributor adalah anggota SMI yang menyumbangkan tulisannya untuk berbagi di blog.